So when some aspect of your life (relationships, health, money, etc.) feels like a grind, you can transform it into a groove by changing the stories you tell about it.
But this only works if you believe your groovy new stories, so it’s best to change them gradually.
He’s right. The power of a changed narrative to change your life is immense.
It doesn’t always have to be gradual. One of the reasons transcendant experiences are so important to human experience is that they give us an inflection point on which to hinge a sudden change in narrative. E.g. the “road to damascus” moment when everything changed. Just as a good story needs dramatic events to justify changes in a character’s behavior, so it becomes much easier to tell ourselves new stories when we can identify the moment when our world was made new.
Scott Noelle’s daily email today reminded me of one of my most-hated bits of conventional wisdom. It’s the one that goes: we have to put our children through unpleasant experiences, because that will toughen them up for “the real world”.
The “boiled frog” metaphor he uses is a myth, but the point is a sound one. Subjecting children to daily unpleasantness - in the form of arbitrary rules, dysfunctional socialization, scholastic regimentation, age-segregation, teasing, bullying, verbal abuse, or what have you - in the name of acclimatization to the “real world” simply lowers their standards for the life they will accept. It teaches them to assume that this is the best there is in life, and the only way to get ahead is to accept it and hope to someday come out on top of the game and at the top of the heap.
Supposedly, with my relatively sheltered, low-ceremony, low-socialization home-schooled background, I was “unprepared” to deal with the real world. Which in a sense was true. For example, if I had had the expectation hammered into me that I would have to work a few years of shit jobs before embarking on my real career, or had accepted the fact that I had no professional prospects without a degree, I might not have had the chutzpah to waltz into Raytheon at age 18 and start working as a full-time engineer. Sure, there were other factors that contributed to my getting that job. But the fact that no one ever told me I had to “pay my dues” before getting the job I wanted helped give me the confidence to assume that I was a peer with more experienced programmers. As it turned out, so long as I had the skill to back it up, the other engineers had no trouble accepting me as a peer. So much for the real world.
Now, Raytheon still had a lot in common with that much-vaunted “real world”. Like all large organizations, it was rife with politics. It was heavily bureaucratic, to a sometimes soul-destroying degree. It operated on a strict system of seniority and hoop-jumping - for instance, they made it clear that no matter how far above my pay grade I was performing, they wouldn’t promote me until I had a certain piece of paper or could at least show I was working towards it.
And if I had been taught that this is what the real world is all about, I would probably still be there. Jumping through hoops, paying my dues, working my way up on the prescribed course to middle-management. I knew a lot of people who were on this very path - not, as far as I could tell, because they enjoyed it; but because they seemed to have a sense that this was what was expected of them. This was the path to success.
But me with my ill-preparedness for real life, I eventually decided I wasn’t going to accept that anymore. I taught myself new skills, made new contacts, and jumped into a different sector of the software industry. I determined exactly the kind of work environment I wanted, and then found it. Now I’m working with technologies I love, with peers I respect, doing work I’m proud of, giving talks at user groups and generally enjoying more success, satisfaction, and notoriety than I probably would ever have gained working at a defense contractor. I didn’t accept the “real world” of industry that everyone tells me the more unpleasant parts of public school are supposed to prepare kids for, and found a better world instead.
I’ve been blessed, there’s no question. I’ve had innate ability, opportunities, and good luck. But I’m lucky enough to live in a society where opportunity is commonplace. And yet I’ve seen people with as much skill as myself languish in careers that they stuck to out of a sense of obligation or lack of alternatives, rather than any real love. And I wonder how much of that is because they were taught that that’s just what the “real world” is like.
The funny thing is, in other arenas parents have no trouble trying to instill high standards. Everyone wants their kids to have high standards when it comes to choosing a spouse, for instance. But when it comes to career and organisational affiliations, it’s fashionable to believe that it’s essential to expose children to unpleasant “realities” or they’ll never make it.
I’m sure there’s an element of history to this. Not everyone was or is lucky enough to be born into 21st-century middle-class America. A lot of our ancestors had no choice but to accept a harsh reality where they had to be good organisation men and women in order to provide for their children. I get that and I respect them for it. Thanks to their efforts, those of us in middle-class America have more opportunities than ever before to choose the life we want.
I believe that whatever you believe is the real world will become your world. If the world of class structure, vicious interpersonal politics, strict seniority, arbitrary hoops, dishonesty, make-work, and taking orders is what you expect out of life, then it’s exactly what life will give you. It’s easy enough to find that world, and once in it you may even be convinced that everyone else is in the same world with you.
It’s OK to give your children high standards in what they’ll accept as the real world. If they believe in it they will find it. And if they don’t, they might just build it.
I imagine prudence as the antipode of passion, a pale aura of anxiety keeping us at a healthy distance from the blood soul.
Thomas Moore, Original Self
The man who is detached in this way is the friend of God, “as a stranger is the friend of another stranger on account of their strangeness on earth”. There are moments in which he sees the Shekhina face to face in human form, as the zaddick saw it in the holy land “in ths shape of a woman who weeps and laments over the husband of her youth.”
Martin Buber, The Legend of the Baal-Shem
But a third response is possible. Not withdrawal, not stewardship based on the hypothesis of a future reward, but the fullest collaboration with the world as a harmonious system of contained conflicts–based on the realization that the only real “I” is the endless process.
We’ve been slackers! Haven’t been keeping this piece up to date. I apologize.
Since May 27, we’ve been to Florida and back. On our way down we took Skyline Drive out of Front Royal, VA down to the Blue Ridge Parkway with a little detour onto 81 in between to make up time.
We stopped at Boone, NC the first night. Boone is home to Appalachian State University. It appears to be a quaint town with a lot of art and coffee and the usual college town stuff. Unfortunately we didn’t have the opportunity to really experience Boone. Perhaps we will check it out another time.
The second night we stopped over in Athens, GA, home of University of Georgia, or the Georgia Bulldogs. We arrived late on a Sunday night and found the only thing open for eats was The Grille, so that’s where we ate. It’s a 24 hour diner that has great diner fare, friendly staff, and quaint, “old-timey” decor. After we left The Grille we took the daughter over to Ben & Jerry’s for a scoop of yummy ice cream.
Was disappointed to discover that the Telulah Gorge (GA) overlook was closed.
Along the way on our last leg to FL we stopped and had fresh peaches and boiled peanuts from roadside stands. What a treat!
Our stay in Florida was hot. Mid to upper 90s the whole time with humidity approaching the same numbers. There are good reasons for my not living in Florida anymore, this is one of them. And despite what my parents insist, that it gets “just as hot or hotter ‘up there’ as it does down here,” we returned to upper 60s to mid 70s weather, cool breezes, and though rainy, not oppressive.
We had a few days at the beach where we introduced Kashti to the thing I was so obsessed with while pregnant with him. I’m still not crazy about the sand, but I am coming to terms with the salt water. All the same, I prefer the mountains!
I was able to visit a few friends, as well as a few old haunts. I missed some other friends due to snafus or bad timing. Hopefully we’ll get to try visiting with them “next time”.
The trip back was the usual, boring, uneventful trek up I-95 with a couple nice stops the first day to visit some friends on the way out.
Recommended hotels: Comfort Suites, in Athens especially. Comfortable rooms, fold out couch, decent complimentary breakfast, good rates. Broyhill Inn and Conference Center on campus at the Appalachian State University in Boone, NC. Again, comfortable rooms, although no fold out couch like at the Comfort Suites, and a decent breakfast if not complimentary.
Now, forgive us our lapse. We shall endeavor to keep up…
The set of computer repair tools I ordered for J arrived. Now we’re all set to start assembling his PC as soon as I find some time. L. had a piano lesson today and then went to Borders with Stacey. Kashti has been showing off his ability to stand with just his hands on a table for stability.
I am experimenting with dividing my day and efforts into 20-minute chunks, and stopping at each 20-minute interval to breathe, center, and decide whether it is profitable to continue what I’m doing, or better to choose something else. I’m also consolidating my organisational systems so that I always have a complete menu of potential tasks in front of me - including recreational “tasks”, like playing video games. So far this is helping eliminate un-mindful dead time.
Stacey, sadly, has been sick, which has been keeping her from the farm. She has antibiotics now, though, so she should be on the mend soon.
Yesterday’s Beer & Badminton kickoff was a smashing success. We had seven guests join us over the course of the afternoon. The weather, despite threatening storms, was perfect. The competition was fierce.
All the children had a good time. L. and J. both got some badminton in, but spent most of their time hanging out with our guests. Kashti had a wonderful day, crawling around in the grass, showing off his ability to stand up with some assistance, and playing in the kiddie pool. He even tried his hand at badminton.
In the evening we ordered pizza and Stacey made her now-famous wings. A few of our guests stayed with us for a viewing of the Twilight RiffTrax, which turned out to be one of the best RiffTrax yet. Ah, glittery angst-ridden Anikin-like Vampires.
Not much to report for today. I overslept in the morning, but decided to workout anyway despite the lack of time. Which was a good choice; having missed two workouts I was starting to feel lazy. I burned through supersets of deadlifts and dumbell bench presses as quickly as I could, and felt a lot better by the end.
Read a sample of L.’s writing today, which is good by any measure and outstanding for a 14-year old. I think she has a bright future in writing ahead of her if she chooses to go down that road. She’s working with an editor now which will help her to hone her talent. We discussed community college; I think she’d be better served by it than the public high school she wants to attend. She’s game, but I understand the nearest CC has an age bar. Perhaps it’s fungible; these things often are.
L. has been watching a lot of “Hells Kitchen” on Hulu too. Not just a cooking show; there’s some good stuff there about working as a team, working under pressure, and accepting criticism gracefully.
We had a lovely Shabbat dinner, as usual. Then I lay down for a quick nap and wound up sleeping 3 1/2 hours. Another polyphasic setback, alas. Oh well, that’ll teach me to nap after eating and partaking of alcohol.
Today L. went exploring and came back five or so hours later very tired with lots of pictures. J. finished Watchmen, and we talked a little about the morality (or lack thereof) of various characters. J. and I also spent some time shoping for a power supply unit for the gaming PC he’s building - we settled on the Antec EA650, a midrange unit with good reviews and an unbeatable price at Newegg.
In polphasic news, I am loving this weather, because it means naps in the sun. There isn’t much better in this world than an outdoor nap on a warm spring day. Also having better luck with a 25-minute timer - it gives me time to settle in and get a solid 20 minutes of sleep during each nap.
The one aspect of life that’s suffering right now is fitness - Stacey hasn’t been feeling well, and I’ve simply been finding it hard to schedule my workouts in despite the polyphasic schedule. I think that’s just because I’ve been trying to fit so many new activities into the extra time, like mowing the lawn, doing the dishes every night, and writing little notes for the children to find in the morning. I’m going to try to break the chain of slacking tomorrow morning.
Yesterday L. dyed her hair black and white and red. At my request J. drew up a map of our hometown, including lesser-known features.
Here be dragons. And worse things.
L. and I discussed the dearth of things to do at night in our town. We decided that if she’s willing to do some of the initial legwork and research, I’m willing to consider moving forward my long-term plan of starting a coffee house. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from home/unschooling, it’s that when a child wants to do something badly, no matter how ambitious, you get out of the way and help it to happen.
I’m half a week into my experiment with the “Uberman” polyphasic sleep schedule, and still having to fight off sleepiness at night. But for all that, it’s still easier than the “Everyman” schedules I had been trying for the preceding month. And there are few things better than napping in the sun on a warm Spring day.
Welcome to The Lazy Faire, a family blog about the practice of abundance in every aspect of life. Your hosts are Stacey and Avdi. Together with our children we are building our dreams and writing about the journey.
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